English Blog

Girl

By: Jamaica Kincaid 

Wash your clothes carefully, so you don’t ruin their good quality, always read the tags first; always eat soup spooning away from you, always set the table before your guests arrive, forks on the left, knives on the right; always say please and thank you; here’s how to make banana bread, don’t forget to always use a loaf pan; never mix plaid designs with print designs; always address adults by their last name, you wouldn’t want to be the only rude child in the world; always work hard in school; here’s how to address an envelope, don’t forget the stamp; Here’s how to make shortbread cookies, just like my grandmother taught me; here’s how to make a peanut butter sandwich with chocolate chips for a snack; remember to feel fruit before you buy it to make sure it is not bruised; what if I don’t buy fruit?; if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all, you might find yourself being that rude child I always warn you about; here’s how not to spend too much money, so you can save it in the bank; here’s how to be successful, don’t forget to add butter to the boiling water when you are making pasta so it won’t boil over; here’s how to swim; here’s how to draw; this is how you plant seeds; water your orchid once a week then, once the flowers die, leave the plant outside and don’t water it, it will survive longer this way; here’s how to eat in a lady-like manner; don’t forget how to eat your peas the proper English way, on the back of your fork; if you don’t you might end up being that rude child I always warn you about turning into; here’s how to catch a butterfly; here’s how to let a butterfly go; here’s how to light plumb pudding on fire with brandy at Christmas; here’s how to stuff a turkey; here’s how to drink tea; but I don’t drink tea; this is how you cut a pare; this is how you spell; this is how to cut flowers so they’ll fit in the vase; here’s how to cure a soar throat, drink lots of fluid; when you’re sick eat the BRAT diet, bananas, rice, applesauce and toast; this is how you shop efficiently; this is how to dress for a nice event, you wouldn’t want people to think you are the rude child I always advise you not to be; this is how you care for a pet, a dog, a hamster or a fish; here’s how to do dishes after dinner; always bring money with you everywhere; never walk under ladders, it’s bad luck; this is how to make hors devours, like cheese and crackers or a bowl of nuts; this is how you arrange cookies on a plate for dessert; this is how to make an alcoholic beverage for someone over twenty one; this is how to write a check; this is how to care for someone who is sick or hurt, emotionally and physically; here’s how to be nice to your sister, you wouldn’t want her to think you’re the rude child I always warn you against becoming; but what if I can’t be nice to my sister?; you mean to tell me that after all you are really going to be the kind of woman who won’t be nice to her sister?

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